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Milou Deelen is a journalist, writer and feminist. Milou went viral for speaking out against slut shaming at her student association Vindicat. She now writes as a freelancer for major platforms and regularly joins various radio and TV talk shows. With her latest book 'How do we do it?' she hopes to bring about a change when it comes to talking about sex.
Well, the image I have of porn is that it's mostly about the man. And that the images are very fake. Not only because of fake bodies, but also a lot of noises and things that I think: 'that's not right'. Also, I especially have an image of porn that it is not female-friendly. That what happens is all about the man. The woman does not matter and is often portrayed as submissive. Sex is also often harsh because, for example, a woman is beaten or spit in her face. That's fine as long as it's with consent, but it often doesn't look female-friendly. Also, porn mainly focuses on penis-in-vagina sex, but there is so much more than that.
I don't actually watch porn very often. But when I watch it, it often takes that long before I find a video that I like. And when it's on, I often see so many things that are unbelievable that it's hard to get excited. Things like fake moans and a whole performance being done. That's what makes it so unrealistic.
I think the equality is. And that really applies to everything. The roles, orgasms, basically everything in erotic videos. And representation is also important.
I think the biggest difference is the woman-friendliness. Equivalence in the videos. Less penis-in-vagina sex.
Representation is certainly important. Think, for example, of young people having sex and watching porn for the first time. Flat and unrealistic porn can then give a distorted view of sex. If those are the images you get, you think: 'so that's how it should be'. But of course sex is not like that in reality.
Yes for sure, actually in two areas:
1. Of course I did a labia correction, or should I say labia reduction. I'm sure this has to do with the porn I've been watching. That's been a really big factor. If there had been more diverse porn, more representation of people, I probably would never have had such an operation. Still, I'm very happy with it now.
2. I also thought that sex should always be a performance. And also that it is part of faking orgames. Women always come in porn and often very quickly. I too have been faking orgasms through the influence of porn. And did a whole performance during sex. Having anal sex or cum on you when you don't even know if you want it. I think this is especially important for young girls.
I think there is more and more awareness. I think we're in the middle of a feminist wave. The conversation about sex is increasingly open and considered important. Also through, for example, series and books that deal with it.
Men also need realistic stories, for the same reason that women do. Many men now also know that a lot of porn is fake. There is also more and more written about it and there is more and more awareness when it comes to sex. Men see and hear that too.
It's so important. We need to know that the sex in porn is not reality. It is not normal. Kaouthar Darmoni, gender scientist and director of Atria, tells in my book 'How do we do it?' that when her son started high school and got an iPad, she immediately started a conversation with him. Because she knew those guys were going to watch porn on the iPad. Not to forbid him, but to explain that boys who learn how to have sex through porn often have problems having intimate and "normal" sex. If I were to have children, I wouldn't forbid them either, but I would tell them that it's not reality. That is also why it is important that there are multiple types of porn and not one type.
It may be helpful to ask the question in a more general way instead of asking, 'Do you watch porn and how does it affect you?' For example, ask what kind of impact they think it has on people and society, instead of directly applying it to the person.
The story of Kaouthar Darmoni is such a cool example. Of course this does not have to be done immediately in the perspective of parent and son, but can also be done with friends. That way it is easier to then share a personal story. Another reason, such as a news item, book or series, makes it easier to talk about this.