10 Jul, 17
Primal Desire: A Light Look At Hard Fucks
What is rough sex? And why do we think it’s interesting?
By Emmeline Peaches
It’s half of the D to the iconic BDSM (the other being Discipline) and conjures up mental images of hair-pulling, neck-biting sex.
But so-called ‘rough sex’ may actually be a lot more common than you’d think, as a recent OKCupid survey documented that in a survey of more than 400,000 members 62% of women and 75% of men enjoyed rough sex.
What Is Rough Sex?
The definition of ‘rough sex’ is actually a lot harder than you’d think to pin down (pun intended).
This is because each person has their own definition of what counts as ‘rough’ and what is merely a bit of tame fun. One person may see handcuffs as the most extreme and ‘rough’ act of play they’ve ever experienced, whereas another may not feel things get really rough until a bit of controlled chocking or hair pulling enters the mix.
This is something that might explain the high stats seen in the OKCupid survey. Sure, 62% of women may not like being flogged until they reach their safeword, but 62% might think of using a paddle in general as a bit of rough fun and thus agree that they do like it rough.
That’s not to give a sense of superiority or ranking among the spectrum of ‘rough’ sex. In fact, we like to see this in a positive light: Sex is what you make of it, and many people want to make their sex rough.
Some Common Trends
Although you won’t find an easy way to define rough sex, there are a few things that do come to mind when conjuring up a description.
The first, and most prominent of the bunch is probably the act of feeling like the sex is rough physically. This includes gripping the body harder, penetrating deeper or with more firmness, or scratching/biting at the skin.
These physical acts are what could be considered as ‘forceful’ and, again, they’re very common. In one survey by the University of North Texas as many as 57% of women said they were turned on by the idea of ‘forceful sex’, leading researcher Zhana Vrangalova, Ph.D., to state “This is not a fringe desire”.
Using items from the BDSM repertoire is probably the second most associated act with having your sex rough. Whips, chains, floggers, and rope, all allow for some very dominating actions and the sort of performance material that could offer rough results. Impact play, in particular, is very easy to associate with rough sex, as the idea of being spanked, flogged, or whipped is very rarely seen as light by the general public.
Still, if Fifty Shades of Grey is anything to go by people still really appreciate these kinds of sex acts, enough to popularize writing that some would consider to be sub-standard at best.
Then you have specific sex acts, such as chocking, punching, or clothes tearing, which can all be classified as ‘rough’ but which also tie quite heavily in to very specific kinks and fetishes. Chocking is probably the most well-known of this kind of rough sex and, to some, this may seem alarming. But people who engage in such rough sex acts usually know what they’re doing and, more to the point, know what they want.
Consent is everything, even when the sex is rough.
Why We Like It Rough
As for why we like it rough, there’s still some debate.
The most prevalent theory is that it ties in to the primal, animalistic desires that still exists in our brain.
We may have evolved some pretty nifty features over the years, but many of us still subconsciously value physical strength and displays of power from our partner, especially in male/female relationships. This doesn’t mean that such individuals desire to be treated in a sexist manner in everyday life, but sometimes it’s nice to succumb to one’s urges in a safe space.
Conversely, those who lead in daily life may also find that they appreciate being the submissive when it comes to rough sex because it represents a much-needed release of control. We all need times to just shut down and let our body and mind recuperate, and having someone else control your actions in a sexual setting can be an extremely reassuring thing.
And, of course, there’s an element of trust and testing the limits of your relationship when it comes to rough sex. When you decide you want it rough you’re not only confessing something to your partner that you may worry will put them off but you’re also asking them to do some semi-extreme things to you. Trusting that they’ll never actually non-consensually hurt you and that they will know and respect your limits is an incredibly affirming act.
All of these explanations are perfectly valid when it comes to rough sex, and as long as you practice rough sex in a safe, sane, and consensual way then you should be fine.
Plus, let’s face it, sometimes it’s just nice to mix things up in the bedroom and see how they go.
So, when it comes to rough sex, feel free to experiment and see where your limits lie. Who knows, you may just discover a new kink or form of arousal that you’d never imagined before.
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