17 Jul, 17
‘Extra Veg’: Fruity Fucks And Safer Alternatives
Sex with fruit or vegetables looks like it's hot, but the alternatives are much better and healthier.
By Emmeline Peaches
Who among us hasn’t eyed up a cucumber curiously before? Or perhaps made a joke about a particularly sizeable carrot? Then there are the particularly bold individuals—those who are bananas about bananas. Bananas are a good source of potassium, right? Besides, where that object is going calories don’t follow.
It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when humanity decided as a collective that fruits and vegetables were good for copulation. One can almost imagine a curious cave-lady curiously placing her foraged goods against her vulva and feeling like the discovery of fire was a dull innovation in comparison to the sensations of a ripened fruit on her supple labia. But, of course, that’s just speculation.
What we do know is that as far back as the publication of Arabian Nights (which includes stories from the 9th century onwards) people have made mention of using fruits and vegetables to achieve sexual satisfaction.
From an initial musing, the idea even sounds like a good one. Many pieces of produce have the right shape, girth, and general curve to satisfy the body. Many are neither too firm nor too soft, and you can even pick the ripeness of your proto-phallus before committing to use or insertion.
The most popular pieces of fruit for sexual gratification are most likely carrots, cucumbers, bananas, and (apparently) grapefruit.
But things that sound good in theory aren’t always great in practice, and we highly recommend you avoid using your organics for an orgasm.
The Problem With Fruit & Veg
There’s a reason why the argument ‘We’ve been doing this for years’ doesn’t work—just because something is traditionally practiced, or culturally understood, doesn’t mean it’s the best thing for your health or personal well-being.
The genitals are pretty good at self-managing their cleanliness, but introducing certain objects to them can throw things out of balance easily.
Fruits and vegetables come in to this category.
Aside from the obvious risks that you face when inserting a foreign object in to your body, many fruits and vegetables go through a lot of treatment before they get to the supermarket. Pesticides, chemicals, and other materials are often used in the process of growing food, and the residue of these chemicals remains on the produce.
This can lead to a very uncomfortable reaction or, if inserted, throw off the natural pH of the vagina and encourage the growth of unwanted bacteria.
The same could also very well happen with organic vegetables—if there’s any damage to the product’s skin, or residue dirt or insect refuse.
Some people also have allergies to certain fruits and vegetables which may not become apparent until exposed to a very sensitive area, and finding out via a fuck is probably one of the worst ways to do so.
If you’re really determined you could always put a condom on your chosen object of desire, but this isn’t what condoms were made for so there’s no guarantee they’ll offer complete protection. They will most likely also have more risk of slipping off or tearing when used inappropriately, which brings you right back to square one.
The awkward A&E visit is not worth it for a fleeting encounter with a carrot.
What’s a Fruit-Lover To Do?
But, if you are determined to get your fruit fuckery on then don’t lament just yet! There are alternatives.
The adult industry is ever-attentive when it comes to their customer’s needs, and sex with fruit & veg is so culturally iconic that it was only a matter of time before body-safe alternatives were made. And that’s just what has happened.
A quick Google search will be able to find you many different alternatives to actual fruit and vegetables that have been designed specifically for sexual purposes.
Some may be for external use—vibrating for that extra punch—but most are insertibles (think an eco-centric dildo). The most sensible among these offerings will be made from a non-porous, body-safe material—such as glass, ABS plastic, or silicone. You’ll want to avoid any sex toys that aren’t made from these materials, as they will be porous and may potentially have as many nasty chemicals as actual fruit & veg (or sometimes more). Jelly is the worst culprit and should be avoided at all costs.
Believe it or not, artificial produce is also much more appealing than the real deal. Not only is it safe for use, but the various materials involved means that you can pick the softness and surface-feeling of the produce instead of just settling for what you can find in your local grocery aisle.
This also presents more options in terms of exploration. A corn on the cob may have been unthinkable before, but when made of silicone the texture is suddenly accessible for some in-depth exploration. Asparagus looks good but is rather soft and fragile, unless made from the right material. And bananas really do have a great curve for G-spotting, and finding a company that gets that curve just right is well-worth the investment.
Using fruit & veg for sex is not the healthiest way to enjoy them, but it’s hard to deny that Mother Nature really did get some of those shapes and sizes spot on.
So, if you want to reap the benefits of the summer harvest without an emergency doctor’s visit then play it safe and purchase an adult product rather than relying on what’s in your pantry or fridge.
It may be less impulsive but it will also be a heck of a lot of gratifying—as you fuck fruit that had been made for that very purpose.
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